First off, I must say-I do apologize for my lengthly blogs! I type like 80-100 words per minute, so the words fly out just about as fast as I think them. Annnd, I have a lot of thoughts. Haha :P
One thing I really wanted to blog about today, is the things that are happening mentally along this journey. I can see and feel the weight falling off and my clothes fitting better. But I'm also noticing that the way I perceive myself and this whole process is something I didn't really expect.
Yesterday before we left for the fair, I had one HELL of a time trying to find something to wear. It was strange.. you'd think that since I'm losing weight, I'd love getting dressed & going places moreso. Don't get me wrong, I do have many days where I throw an outfit on and I feel great! Particularly if the outfit is something I haven't worn in quite some time, and something I specifically remembered as not looking good on me anymore.
However, some days it seems like my clothes are fitting awkwardly loose in areas, or things I thought should fit me by now, aren't fitting so great yet. I guess what I'm saying is I am super proud of myself for losing 30 pounds, but some days the reality of just how far I have yet to go brings me down. I know I can do it, and I'm just stubborn enough to prove it to the world... but, it's frustrating.
Since I was younger, my grandma, my family, my friends, would tell me how good I looked. Not to sound vain!!! I never necessarily agreed!! I was young though, and at times it really made a difference in how I felt about myself. Especially because
in elementary school I went through a chubby stage, and was definitely picked on a little. lol... but I slimmed down a lot in Junior High, and more so through High School. In college, I was super fit. I felt on top of the world, maybe more so than I should have at times. lol. Upon meeting Joe and having babies, I put on SO much weight. Since then, I guess I just kind of eased myself into accepting the fact that I didn't look so good any more. I kind of got used to the fact that I never really got compliments any more. I didn't expect much from myself anymore. I knew no matter how much makeup I put on, how I did my hair, what I wore.. I knew I was still way overweight and felt as though that was how I was going to stay, and I had to accept it. That was what people saw about me now. They didn't see how caring I am, how good of a mother I was, how hard I work.. they saw my weight. Obviously, I thought, people must think I'm lazy and gross because I'm so over weight. That kind of thinking can really take a toll on your self image/ self confidence.
What makes it worse, is when YOU realize, that you can't do things you used to. I'll never forget a few years ago when Joe & I went to the fair, and we went to go on the ride " The Zipper" together... the carney basically had to slam the door hard and squish us into the ride to be able to lock the door... I was terrified the entire time, that the door was going to fly open!!! I also wasn't able to do as much with the kids as I had wanted to! Especially when they were super little, and Iwas exhausted from lack of sleep as it was, I would get tired SO fast doing the smallest things. It was a huge shock at times, when I'd sit & think about how drastically I had changed, but I accepted it as my new reality.
Now, although I am frustrated with how far I have yet to go, I do try to focus on the fact that I am getting there!! I can do this!!! I can still be my energetic, happy, healthy self again! I don't have to 'accept' what I have let happen. I can definitely change it, and I am on my way!! I have a long way to go, but I'm moving in the right direction and I have to remind myself I have a lot to be proud of! I have already had SO much more energy! I had a blast on the rides with Silvana, and fit in alll of the rides super comfortably!! My health and years of being able to do whatever I want to with the kids, is MORE than reason enough to make sure I keep at it!! I could care less if people think I look better or not... I feel better, and I am able to devote even MORE time and energy to those I love! :) Other peoples opinions [particularly negativity!] have a zero rating on the scale of what's important to me in life!
That being said....
Yesterday, Joe and I set our alarms to get up early, before the kids were up. We had some coffee, then headed downstairs to work out. We've been alternating between watching Saturday Night Live, and Celebrity Wife Swap episodes while we work out. When I work out by myself, I watch Extreme Weight Loss/. That show is so motivating!! It makes you realize that ANYONE, ANYONEEE can lose weight once they set their heart on it. Watching Celebrity Wife Swap is also, so entertaining.. it baffles me how some of these celebrities live so frugally! Some of them live in houses that people on House Hunters would definitely scoff at! But, it just goes to show that just because people are rich & famous, it doesn't mean they all spend their money frivolously, or that they have tons more stuff than everyone else. It's really a pretty entertaining show in various ways!
After our work out, we got showered and ready, and Joe & the kids had breakfast. I just wasn't feeling hungry what so ever. We packed some baby carrots, apples, yogurts, and TONS of bottled water. I'm SO glad we did, otherwise we would've probably ended up spending a fortune on water. It was a pretty hot day, and we all drink a lot of water as it is. On the way I did eat a banana and have some green tea.
While at the fair, the kids got wristbands, and I ended up getting one too so I could take them on the ferris wheel and some of the other bigger rides that Silvana wanted to try. Deslin wasn't wanting to go near those rides, so right when we got there we brought them to the littler kids rides. Then I took Silvana to the bigger ones and Joe hung out with Deslin on the smaller rides. It worked out pretty great, and I had a blast bonding with the little lady! We rode on rides for a good 6 hours or more out of the day! We were at the fair from 11am-11pm, and had a blast the entire time!
Near the end of the night I was finally able to talk Deslin into trying out some bigger rides with me. He went on a few big rides with me, including the ferris wheel which he swore he wasn't going to go on initially! I was so proud of him for being brave and trying it out!! He ended up loving the rides, and he was very proud that he tried it out and ended up having fun! He is excited about going on more big rides the next time we're at a fair.
We did end up taking a ride to get a little caesars pizza around 5 pm. I had 2 pieces of that, but didn't feel too bad since all I ate otherwise was a banana, carrots, an apple, and a yogurt.
We got home around midnight, and we all went straight to bed.
This morning [Sunday] Joe and I set an alarm again, got up and had our coffee, and worked out again. I LOVE this time with him!! It's so convenient that we both love having our coffee and working out right away in the morning together. For years, we would stay up until about 2-3 in the morning after the kids went to bed, to watch TV together and chit chat and spend time together. Now, we get to bed between 10-12 typically, and wake up early to spend our time together, and it's much more productive!
Plus, I'm finding out that while I was working out at night after the kids went to bed for quite some time, working out in the morning is so much nicer! I can get my workout out of the way first thing in the morning, so I can do what ever else I want the entire rest of the day & night without wondering when I'm going to squeeze it in.
After our workout, I had just enough time to shower and go to work.
After dinner tonight, I counted up all of the calories I ate today , and it was right around 1500. I am okay with that! I could've eaten less, but I ate pretty healthy and I feel pretty good about it! If I aim for burning off at least 1000 calories a day, and eat 1500 or less.. I'm happy. I know some people are super hardcore & extreme with dieting, and stay clear away from anything ' bad' for them, but this is the approach that works for me at the moment. I know I can stick with this for the long haul. I have pretty good self control, yet I don't like depriving myself completely from things that I like. With what I'm doing, I can have a little of what I like, on occasion, and it's okay if I skip a day working out here or there. Most days, I eat super healthy. I'm not about to set myself up for disappointment or failure, by telling myself I'm going to eat 100% healthy, no junk at ALL, and work out for hours a day, every single day, forever and ever.
For now, I'm taking this all a day at a time. As long as I keep on losing 5-6 pounds a month minimum, I'm happy.... and I keep dreaming of the day I love what I see in the mirror again!
I need to take and post measurements again soon, as well as my 'before' picture that inspired me to start all of this! Stay tuned! :)
Today I ONCE AGAIN didn't get up with my alarm. The kids & I got up at about 7:30, and did our chores. Then I had my toast/ peanut butter/ coconut oil for breakfast and they had cereal. I drank a ton of coffee and green tea, and water.
