Midnight Musings

Leave it to me to feel a blog coming on at midnight!
 

I've always been a night owl,  and used to stay up super late painting or writing stories when I was a child and teen, but since having children....nobody has time for that! Especially when your day begins at around 6a.m! There's no way I can stay up pondering life and being creative, and then survive a full day on like 2-3 hours of sleep like I used to.

Well.. this blog posting for one,  isn't entirely about losing weight. But I feel it needs to be posted. So I'm going to do what I do best, and just randomly type thoughts as they come out. I apologize if there's typically a lot of spelling or grammar errors, but I just type away and hit 'Publish" most of the time. It comes straight from the heart. ;)

Almost exactly a year ago, one of my best friends, lost her baby boy.  It was very shortly after the entire Sandy Hook  school incident. Both of these events had a huge impact on me, and were /continue to be super frightening.

I have never lost a child myself, but I lost a baby brother. At that time I was only 4 years old, and it was my first experience with death. It was such a sad and confusing thing at the time, and continues to be today. Any loss of any person really gets to me. It can be a complete stranger. I always wonder 'why'? I am far too good at putting myself into someone else's shoes. I'm very empathetic, and can imagine how deep of a hurt must be felt when you lose a loved one.

One thing that absolutely baffles me is..... knowing how deeply saddening losing those we love is.... HOW do so many people take their loved ones for granted? How? Knowing and seeing and feeling and witnessing the sad and loss of people around you who suddenly have their heart and soul ripped from them, how could you not cherish and hold dear every single second you have on Earth with your own loved ones? Are people becoming desensitized to basic human 'feelings' and passions? Why do so many people just not seem to care, until it's too late?

On that note...I hate how time goes by so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was 10 years old, hanging out at my grandma's house across the street after school. I probably got off the bus there as usual. She's cooking food in the kitchen, and the entire family is there, laughing, talking, and just living our lives. Fast forward to now...what feels like only a few years at best has passed, but in reality it's been at least 10 years...and it's a whole different environment. They are very aged. There's not tons of cooking, not tons of conversation that makes much sense, and not so many huge smiling faces around..There just isn't. That's just the way it is. Time passes, and people and memories fade. People grow up and have families of their own, and hope to build their own happy, smiling, loving environment.

 The time in each day, as well as time in general, never seems enough.Every day, there is never enough time to do ALL of the things I'd like to do.  Every year, I'm thinking, " I wanted to do this or that, but didn't get to."  It's so frustrating! Also,  it's frustrating how fast years pass, and how fast children grow..

To children, time passes slowly. They've only been on this planet for say, 5 years... so to them, that 5 years has been an eternity. It's the longest time frame they can possibly, physically imagine at that point. The older you get, the more you realize how fast time truly passes. When you're turning 25, and realizing that you're probably at best 1/4 of the way through your life.. it's pretty shocking. At that point, you feel like yes, alot has happened in your life.... but it went pretty fast in retrospect, and you THOUGHT you had tons of time left. But, in reality you're actually probably closer to being 1/3 of the way through.

Are you letting all of your loved ones know how much you care? Are you letting them know they're important to you?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how this year.... one major thing I'm going to focus on aside from my weight loss, is letting EVERYTHING fall 2nd to my children. I'm usually really good about that, but I do get stressed from time to time. One example: when my house is messy and I have no time to clean it. There have literally been days where I would come home from work with plans of taking the kids to the park, to see a trashed house. Immediately I would declare it 'cleaning up your messes' day. We would all stay home and clean our house. Sadly, it's happened quite a few times.

Why? It's not like we have an abundance of visitors. Even if we did, hopefully they would see the happy, smiling faces on my children enjoying life and look past their messes. Instead, visitors have seen a clean house with disgruntled children. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with teaching children about responsibility and respect and cleanliness. NOTHING at all. I find it very important, in fact, maybe too important. However, I sometimes feel I'm fighting an uphill battle. Kids are mess makers by nature. It's just what they do. The point is...will my children remember me for the happy, fun-loving, adventurous soul I had always been, and know I am inside? Or the mom who is strict and crabby, and worries more about appearances  and 'rules' than quality time with her family?

Today we have all been fighting off a cold. Sore throats, sniffles, and sneezes. We completely just lived our lives, and aside from about 20 minutes worth of straightening up and loading the dishwasher, did absolutely nothing productive. We did, however, play a board game, and snuggle up to watch "The Hobbit". Joe and I  had the entire weekend off from work. A while back, I probably would have declared this ' Doing Chores & Stuff' weekend.. This time, I was determined to just let everything be. My phone died earlier today and I didn't charge it. I didn't open the laptop. I just enjoyed every second with my family. I enjoyed every conversation we exchanged, and every hug we shared. I just lived in the ever-fleeting moment. It felt great!!!

My goal this year..is to be that person more often than not. It's a hard task as a mother or parent in general, daily balancing the:

 *Cooking a good, nutritious hearty meal

 *Doing all the dishes that somehow stack halfway to the ceiling daily

*Cleaning the bathroom like every other day [ it needs it that often! Doesn't yours!?]

*Vaccuuming our house every other hour [ we have 3 cats..... and 2 kids who like to wander with crackers ]

*Doing the laundry for 4 people who probably each change 4 times a day on average

 *Planning the budget

* Raising the kids to be responsible, respectful, educated adults

* Bringing to sports practices & games

*Volunteering and being active in their sports and school life

* Etc, etc, etc, etc

*... and for some of us, working full or part time on top of it all.

I am convinced that we need to take every second we can get with these kids. We need to soak up every smile, every hug, and every single moment we can with them. There will be PLENTY of time to bustle around and worry about mundane, unimportant things such as a pristine house once my sweet babies have grown and left the nest, heaven forbidding. [LOL... I've convinced them both at this point that they want to live with me forever!]

In reality, these moments will be here and gone before we even have a chance to really THINK about what we will be missing down the road.  I know it will feel empty going down to the laundry room to do only mine and Joe's laundry. I know it will be sad, making Silvana's room into my computer / guest room. I know , being myself, that I will stand and bawl about these things when the time comes. Heck, I am already just thinking about it. 

I don't want to have any regrets.A HUGE part of the reason I decided to take my health into high priority last year at this time, isn't because I give a rip what anyone else thinks. It's because I want to have more energy, and be more of an active, happy, fun-loving mother. I want to be the best mother I can be, and I want to be a good example. I want my children to grow up to be healthy, so they can live long healthy lives.

 I was at a point I couldn't ride on rides with them at the fair, because it wasn't comfortable. I wasn't fitting in them right. Well, last year at the fair I rode every ride on the fairgrounds with Silvana and my heart was just beaming with happiness. I want to live. I don't want to die young of health problems. My family is more important to me than any kind of food, and as hilarious as that sounds it's true. I mean think about it. People say I have such strong will power sticking to a healthy diet. When I look at junk food, I often ask myself. " Do you want to be with your family as long as possible, or do you want to eat that?" No I'm not perfect, I do enjoy treats with my family sometimes. But not often, and in moderation. I consider chocolate a necessary part of a happy life!

 I want to look back and feel completely good and happy about how much time my family and I spent together, and how many times we left the house a mess to do something memorable. I want to live, and I want to share every second I can with my kids. Last year my goal was to focus on my health, and I have definitely been doing that. I'm not where I want to be physically yet, but I am working on it. It's not only a physical process, it's a mental process too to get in shape. Sometimes you fight with struggles such as a touch of the winter blues, or being frustrated with your messy house... haha.

This year, I AM going to continue to focus on my health goals, and I am going to make quality time with my family equally as important. I thought I was doing well all along, but when you look back at your year and remember how you sacrificed 'family beach days' for 'cleaning days', you have to admit you've had your priorities backwards!

Life is short. The sooner we all realize and accept that, the sooner we can focus on making the most out of every second we have, and appreciate every person we know. We often tend to think that we'll be here forever. We think there'll always be time to do all the things we want to do, and say all the things we want to say. The sad fact of life is, there isn't time. NOW is the time. It's the only time we ever REALLY have. Time that has passed is gone, and time that is to come isn't promised. Make the very most of "NOW" that you possibly can...